Monthly Archives: October 2014

Confused as fuck

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Oh my god.  I’ve just gotten in touch with my aunty who was there from the ages of 0 to 4 and she is telling me some fucked up shit.  I’m totally scared to know what else she has to say.  I talked about my experiences and what I’m trying to figure out and she has no empathy at all.  She says she has been bad.  And that her siblings were very sexual.  This weird kinky fukn shit.  She liked being peed on. At the age of 6. What the fuck.  My family is Totaly Totaly fucked up even beyond what I knew.  Incest on both sides with me in the fuckn middle.  Is this what this really is.  I’m so confused right now.  I really need to go so my mind doesn’t explode.

Understanding

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Fuck sake some people. Why do people not listen.  They challenge what you say.  Can’t they just fuckn hear it the first time and get it.  If I’m asked to not do something by somebody I try not to do that again.  Why is it so hard to get some understanding. 

Yuck!

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****trigger warning****

Being sexually active so young can considerably fuck you up.  Oh my god I feel disgusting.  I can’t get it out of my head.  The wanting to just die feeling is considerably high right now.  Why do we feel like we asked for it.  I hate this part of my life right now.  It was all locked away for the last six years.  And then 5 years before that and 8 years before that.  I have a reason I opened the door and that’s what I have to focus on. If my choice is to help children I need to help myself.  I just didn’t know it would be this fuckn hard.  It presents itself so physically now.  It’s horrific.  I bet he doesn’t even think of those days.  I feel as if it was all for nothing.  All of MY suffering and pain won’t have ever crossed his mind.  And if he had ever thought about it what has he thought.  He will always be my first.  At 7 I think.  That’s a question I hate. When did you lose your virginity? I’ve always wanted to say 7. But what the fuck would people think.  I always lie.  I still Don’t really trust my memory in that he tried it fully.  How can somebody remember something but not remember it?  Anyway I’m as confused as fuck right now so I’m going to go.