What is abuse?


Sometimes I’m so confused over what happened to me that I just don’t understand anything. Let alone what is abuse and what is not.  Was I taken advantage of.  At 6 we used to be baby sat by mums friend. She had 3 children.  2 girls and a boy.  Yes he was only a boy so not legally bound if that makes sense.  So he used to tell me the things that adults did because they loved each other and that we could do those things but I couldn’t tell because we could get in trouble but I was special because only adults do this.  So I wanted to be special.  We kissed.  His tongue went in my mouth.  (This is giving me flashbacks.  I feel weird and fuzzy in my head)  so I feel like this went on forever.  And I felt special I think.  I can’t remember.  Next time we went we went to the park again.  This time  we lay on the ground in the fort. He was on top.  He feels so much bigger. He so heavy.  I can hardly breathe.  He kisses me this time again with tongues. I’m wearing a dungaree skirt outfit.  I didn’t want to get dirty but I was being special.  I never wore it again.  The dress.  He lay on me the rest is a blur which I wish in some way it wasn’t. Then I wouldn’t have to work so hard to know what this was.  He was rubbing the outside of my underwear the rest I can’t remember.  This isthe first time i remember being outside above my body watching from above.  I  do have foggy memories of going toilet and bleeding a little.  I didn’t tell anyone because I was scared.  I thought I was going to die.  I was paranoid about being dirty and there were bugs and twigs in my hair.  There wasn’t.  One time I asked if we were going to the park.  He said no.  I was angry a little I think.  I was used to going to the park to feel special.  I was not special anymore well that’s how I felt.  I pulled the fingers at him.  He told his mum and I got in trouble.  His mum was a snaggle toothed vulture. So mean.  It makes me wonder where he learnt this behavior.  Most of the times at the park my brother and his sister were there.  He told them to leave us alone.  I didn’t know why they couldn’t be special to.  When ann was there it never happened but she was older.  Another time it was just me and him.  At the whole Park.  We went into the bushes.  It felt a little scary.  He was on top of me again.  I heard my little brother calling out.  He was coming over from the house through the creek.  He was only 2 or 3. He was calling my name but I wasn’t allowed to answer him.  He had his hand over my mouth.  Jono went back to the house crying.  We left not long after.  I was told that we were playing hide and seek. Not to tell what we were doing. I was so paranoid that they knew we were being naughty.  They knew what we were doing.  My hair was messy.  I felt for twigs and leaves and dirt on me.  We got back and we were in big shit.  Linda wacked us with the wooden spoon.  For not answering Jono.
I remember telling friends at school what I did. They said I was lying.  And that it was naughty.  That’s when I started to be ashamed of it.  Around 9 years old. I thought I was special doing grown up things. I was not scared from what I remember. Was this abuse. Or just childsplay.

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