Being sexually active so young can considerably fuck you up. Oh my god I feel disgusting. I can’t get it out of my head. The wanting to just die feeling is considerably high right now. Why do we feel like we asked for it. I hate this part of my life right now. It was all locked away for the last six years. And then 5 years before that and 8 years before that. I have a reason I opened the door and that’s what I have to focus on. If my choice is to help children I need to help myself. I just didn’t know it would be this fuckn hard. It presents itself so physically now. It’s horrific. I bet he doesn’t even think of those days. I feel as if it was all for nothing. All of MY suffering and pain won’t have ever crossed his mind. And if he had ever thought about it what has he thought. He will always be my first. At 7 I think. That’s a question I hate. When did you lose your virginity? I’ve always wanted to say 7. But what the fuck would people think. I always lie. I still Don’t really trust my memory in that he tried it fully. How can somebody remember something but not remember it? Anyway I’m as confused as fuck right now so I’m going to go.