Monthly Archives: January 2015

Clearing

Standard

Wow what a whirlwind.  Still not quite 100%  sure on  what’s gone on in the last few weeks. It only feels like days i wanted to say days. But it’s not days.  Sometimes I’m myself.  It feels like I’ve been on holiday and this foggy clone has been here.  I’ve been seeing clearly for a day.  I think today once i was her.  I see when I’m myself i look at my children with love.  And that makes me happy that i don’t hate them and see them as a burden like others.
The last few days had been really stressful and i don’t know how they ended up like that.  But it’s been brewing.  Oh man I’m so confused over who i am. ( Actually i know who me is  i don’t know where these other attitudes come from. ) I’m not a mean person.  I would do anything for anybody else. I don’t judge im not rude i don’t hurt my children. If I get on with someone  I’m caring. smile at strangers say hello.  But when i have attitude I’m a Cunt Everybody’s an asshole and done something wrong.  I yell swear and am just generally fed up with everybody and don’t want to live.  I would do anything to kill this part of me even kill myself.  I still think it.  When will i stop.  I push people away and run away when shit gets hard or people too close and if it looks like im going to be abandoned i do the abandoning first.  For sure.  Fuck i see a little pattern here over my life . Anyway this is all part of the stress. As well as dissociating.  Your like in a dream state.  I took the boys for a drive and they fell asleep.  Next thing they’re crying awake and we’re 2hrs away from home. Fuck. Woah it felt like i had been asleep too. I’m lucky I’m a fuckn good driver.  So we got out and played at the park and got some ice blocks.  No phone reception either.  I was really freaked out at first.   Decided to carry on. My uncle lived another 40mins away we could stay there.
My mind was racing. All these what the hell happened questions.  Something feels terribly wrong but i can’t put my finger on it.  i can see clearly the blue sky and everything around new. It feels like it has been so blurry.
Uncle was not there but had a key out so we stayed there.
So much going on and nobody to talk to or help because I’m so far away. What is wrong with me.
I msgd my friend and she is just as confused but we talked. I felt like i had been such a Bitch so started to read my writings and emails. I can’t believe that I would say or write those things. It’s very confusing. I’m not that person. Oh my brain. I said she blames me. Because she hasn’t said that she doesn’t. But i don’t believe that. She has helped me. How could i even say that. I had somebody to trust and I’ve fucked it up. Why do i do that?
I feel like I’m such a fuckn nut bar i need to be in a crazy home. It’s horrible. I hope this passes.

Sad little girl

Standard

I thought i could trust her.  I thought she listened but she didn’t even hear me.  That’s what i go there for.  To be heard and i Don’t even get heard.  I know I’m quiet speaking.  I’m just scared.  I’m really scared.  I’m a little 6 yr old girl trembling in a grown womans body.  Hurting.  Screaming.  But still nobody hears.  She doesn’t understand that and i feel bad to say.
And i Don’t get that when I’ve said i want to die she’s done nothing except once up until now.  I mean it every time. I don’t tell her until the last minute.  She’s it, the last Option. Now i Don’t have one.  Nobody.  I only wanted some help with some questions.  I’m just a kid.  It’s all been for nothing. I’m too hard to deal with.  How can you help someone who didn’t talk
 

Sleep sex or dissociated sex

Standard

I woke up in a Fright on the verge of orgasm. What the fuck was happening. 
Woah Ok.  That was good but I’m a little scared how that began.  Was i asleep.  Did i start it.  He said i was talking to him.  I can’t have been asleep.  I know I’m thinking about my abuse and relive sexual shit all day I’m probably dreaming it too. But to wake up having rough intercourse on the verge of orgasm and not know this is what you were doing.  Ughh.  Horrible.  This is the self abuse i read about.  I think.  We were only just talking on facebook about alcohol and sex.  I love to get high on weed.  It helps zone everything out. I have to stop it though.  Or maybe i dissociated.  I did mention this to my husband.  Maybe i think i was dreaming.  Fuck knows.  I’m just real crazy at the moment.  At a 9!

The rape jokes continue and get worse.

Standard

Rape is not a funny story joke or word!

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

Social media is awash with more talk about Bill Cosby. More accusers have come forward. 29 now.

I get all the controversy about him and whether people should, or shouldn’t believe he is a sexual psychopath predator…

But what I find the hardest to deal with…….is all the people who think it’s funny and joke about rape – with all the many posters saying ‘Bill Cosby raped me too’.

And even worse….”Rape isn’t funny, it’s hilarious” …….and all the ‘likes’ comments like that get……mostly from men of course, but also from women.

It makes me cry that so many people think sexually abusing and raping women or anyone, is funny.

I’ve been raped, so many times I have no idea how many. Considering the years of being digitally raped as a child and the years of being raped as an adolescent and then the few men who didn’t stop in my 20’s…(and yes I…

View original post 123 more words

Devil

Standard

I’ve met the devil
And lay with him thrice
He tried to get me to die
To be with him in real life

Not does he understand
That I’ve danced and
That I’ve lived with Him
most of my life

I want him to go
To leave me alone
I’ll dance one more time
Hope it don’t Cost me my life