Clearing

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Wow what a whirlwind.  Still not quite 100%  sure on  what’s gone on in the last few weeks. It only feels like days i wanted to say days. But it’s not days.  Sometimes I’m myself.  It feels like I’ve been on holiday and this foggy clone has been here.  I’ve been seeing clearly for a day.  I think today once i was her.  I see when I’m myself i look at my children with love.  And that makes me happy that i don’t hate them and see them as a burden like others.
The last few days had been really stressful and i don’t know how they ended up like that.  But it’s been brewing.  Oh man I’m so confused over who i am. ( Actually i know who me is  i don’t know where these other attitudes come from. ) I’m not a mean person.  I would do anything for anybody else. I don’t judge im not rude i don’t hurt my children. If I get on with someone  I’m caring. smile at strangers say hello.  But when i have attitude I’m a Cunt Everybody’s an asshole and done something wrong.  I yell swear and am just generally fed up with everybody and don’t want to live.  I would do anything to kill this part of me even kill myself.  I still think it.  When will i stop.  I push people away and run away when shit gets hard or people too close and if it looks like im going to be abandoned i do the abandoning first.  For sure.  Fuck i see a little pattern here over my life . Anyway this is all part of the stress. As well as dissociating.  Your like in a dream state.  I took the boys for a drive and they fell asleep.  Next thing they’re crying awake and we’re 2hrs away from home. Fuck. Woah it felt like i had been asleep too. I’m lucky I’m a fuckn good driver.  So we got out and played at the park and got some ice blocks.  No phone reception either.  I was really freaked out at first.   Decided to carry on. My uncle lived another 40mins away we could stay there.
My mind was racing. All these what the hell happened questions.  Something feels terribly wrong but i can’t put my finger on it.  i can see clearly the blue sky and everything around new. It feels like it has been so blurry.
Uncle was not there but had a key out so we stayed there.
So much going on and nobody to talk to or help because I’m so far away. What is wrong with me.
I msgd my friend and she is just as confused but we talked. I felt like i had been such a Bitch so started to read my writings and emails. I can’t believe that I would say or write those things. It’s very confusing. I’m not that person. Oh my brain. I said she blames me. Because she hasn’t said that she doesn’t. But i don’t believe that. She has helped me. How could i even say that. I had somebody to trust and I’ve fucked it up. Why do i do that?
I feel like I’m such a fuckn nut bar i need to be in a crazy home. It’s horrible. I hope this passes.

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