Monthly Archives: February 2015

Self harm

Standard

God is hard not to hurt yourself when all you want to do is cut.  Scratch.  Die. 
Be free from the torture and pain of life.  The memories of stuff and feelings of shame and hatred towards parts of myself because of that stuff haunt me daily.  I sometimes feel so disconnected from reality it’s hard to be me in real life.  Fuck i don’t know if i make sense.  I’m just so confused.  I want to hurt myself so badly but know it’s unacceptable. People look down on you and i don’t want that but then it’s easy to hide them. Nobody needs to know.  But part of me doesn’t do it because i Don’t deserve that pain.  I shouldn’t hurt myself because other people have.  And i think that’s maybe why i don’t.  When i do it I’m somebody else. I think I’m the teenager. I have the knowhow not too but she doesn’t.  I don’t think that makes sense.  I don’t know.  So confused.  The Dissociation doesn’t help worth all of that.  At all.
I just know i hate my life at the moment. I need to change it or be done.  And the reason behind me still being alive after all i think about suicide every fuckn day is the fear of not succeding. That is something i do not want to come back from or live with the consequences shame and guilt on top of everything else.