Monthly Archives: March 2015



My head is killing me I’m trying to figure out who iam I’m 10. I gt suc a bad head and neck my for head is very tight and feels so furrowed.  I’m in such distress.  My head hurts.  I can’t take much of this anymore.  I don’t know who i am. This tattoo on my arm looks so real and i shouldn’t have it.  I just wanted to color in and now I’m so upset and nobody to talk to.  Oh she way telling the bedroom.  In the dark.  Hey away from light.  You loved the smurf curtains. They were the best.  It makes it dark. Shes telling me too lie down an rest.  My skull and my head is actually really killing me and that’s because I’m fucking sharing it.  I wish they would go away and shug the fuck up.  It’s so peaceful when they quiet. I realize Today that when i went quiet in January and i couldn’t talk and string a sentance together was because i was somebody else. I didn’t even know how i existed.  Just barely.  Because i was a baby.  Oh there it goes again she’s back. Fuck.  Aghhhh the pain in my head.  Oh god i acknowledged you were here.  How longer can i take this pain.  This way of life in my fuckn head.  Fuck. What can i make you do to make you quiet just go away.  My neck is killing me too.. Your all killing me.  Ohhh my head i do wonder if i have a fuckn huge brain tumor.

Life’s a Bitch


I don’t think it means anything to anybody that I’m still alive.  If anybody fuckn knew how hard it was everyday to just fuckn survive.  Seriously i just want to fuckn leave it die.  I can’t live like this anymore.  My husband is woe is me. I have a hard life.  For fucks sake you have no idea.  Not a fuckn clue.  Not only do i have to do everything and look after the kids i have a serious fuckn problem with my head and nobody to help me.  He doesn’t get how i could just leave tomorrow.  Leave him or leave this earth.  Ughhh i just would love to end it all right now.  So distressing when nobody important in your life really gives a fuck about you. 

Brain fuddle


Talk about being messed up to fuck.  Nobody to talk to.  Nobody understands and probably just thinks I’m attention seeking.  Which I’m not.  I don’t get any attention so that proves that wrong.  I’m so confused how I can be this way.  I can’t look in the mirror sometimes because i just don’t look right.  I wanted to scream the other night when my husband was calling me by the wrong name and playing stupid songs on you tube with my name in the song.  It hurts my head thinking about it i want to disappear (dissociate) some parts don’t associate with that name and never have.  Why?  Why is that.  Why does my name sound horrible and foreign to me.  How can i sometimes be left handed.  How can i write like shit but in 2 strokes its legible and linking.  How come my brain hurts so much.  Sometimes I’m blurry eyed. Why?  My ears hurt. Why?   Sometimes a flood of sadness comes over me and i start crying and feel so childlike.  Why?  How come I can have sex sometimes and not remember?  Why?   Why does my head have different pains that come and go so quick just like the feelings that come with.  Why do i sometimes feel posessed?  How can i say write and do things that aren’t me and then have no recollection?  How can my mind be still then all of a sudden its like a fight has broken out and everyone is in panic?  Why do different parts carry different beliefs.  Different memories.  Different feelings.  Why do i and many more parts of me want to die all the time.  Why do i feel like i have lived several seperate lives?  How can i hate my whole life and the people in it one minute then care for them the next??????

Why?  Why?  Why?   Nobody is helping me. 

Therapy sux


On the way there i was extremely anxious.  Nauseas and scared.  I noticed her vehicle was in the drive facing out.  Bitch wondered if it was like that for our amusement.  Well not amusement.  But safety if i Did a runner. We notice those little things.  As well as feeling that on the way there i really felt like something was constricting around my throat.  Like hands.  I felt it when we were there to.  But even my clothes were not very tight. But i had to keep moving my clothes around my neck. The little ones definitely didn’t feel vertu trusting this week at all.  Freak out If they let too much out she won’t want to work with us.   We already think we enough work as it is.  That’s why we don’t want to come out.  We don’t want to get attached because she’ll just leave us like everyone else.  We know we get really sad when people leave And we don’t want to be hurt. We always get shit on and people don’t care about us so why would she.  She doesn’t even know us.  It makes us really really sad thinking about it. Hurts my head really hurts my head.  Crying

You asked for it , therefore.. DID/MPD, what is it?

You asked for it , therefore..  DID/MPD, what is it?

Can’t wait to read. Can Help alot reading how others go through this.

Krickets Ramblings

You asked for it, therefore, you shall receive is the saying, correct?

I’m not in the slightest mood to really be motivated for anything right now but, I had told myself that I needed to follow through with what I had started.  So on this note, your requested input for another entry on brain/mental illness.  This seems to be a higher requested subject than I had originally thought it might had been, I’d not realized this when I had posted my first piece relating to brain illness, mental illness and emotional instability.  I give my apology ahead of time for my lack of enthusiasm, I am in one of my slumps at the current time, hopefully making myself finish what I have started will pull me out from my dark cloud.

An introduction to DID (dissociative identity disorder), or otherwise and previously known as, MPD (multiple personality disorder).

I am…

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I don’t know if I can live in this world much longer.


At least somebody else knows how it is. Nobody else gets it. Everybody just ignores it when you say it. Why do people not know how to deal with suicidal People. Sigh

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I know my life is not going to get any better. Whatever I do, I am doing the wrong thing. I am failing my children. I’m not strong enough to do what is needed, and I can’t go on much longer.

I can’t do any of this anymore. I want to give up completely. I have no hope for the future. I have no fight left in me anymore to try to sustain anything positive.

I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.


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Oh my bejese. Fuckn switching like crazy due to suppose to be going to t tomorrow.  Brain worknk overtime tonight for sure.  One minute i can be somebody and the next minute poof gone and somebody else.  Everyday i think of ending it but i keep going cos I have to.  Ahhh is so tiring.  I wish others acknowledged how much effort i put in to stay here.  Nobody really knows.  Been a very hard day