Brain fuddle

Standard

Talk about being messed up to fuck.  Nobody to talk to.  Nobody understands and probably just thinks I’m attention seeking.  Which I’m not.  I don’t get any attention so that proves that wrong.  I’m so confused how I can be this way.  I can’t look in the mirror sometimes because i just don’t look right.  I wanted to scream the other night when my husband was calling me by the wrong name and playing stupid songs on you tube with my name in the song.  It hurts my head thinking about it i want to disappear (dissociate) some parts don’t associate with that name and never have.  Why?  Why is that.  Why does my name sound horrible and foreign to me.  How can i sometimes be left handed.  How can i write like shit but in 2 strokes its legible and linking.  How come my brain hurts so much.  Sometimes I’m blurry eyed. Why?  My ears hurt. Why?   Sometimes a flood of sadness comes over me and i start crying and feel so childlike.  Why?  How come I can have sex sometimes and not remember?  Why?   Why does my head have different pains that come and go so quick just like the feelings that come with.  Why do i sometimes feel posessed?  How can i say write and do things that aren’t me and then have no recollection?  How can my mind be still then all of a sudden its like a fight has broken out and everyone is in panic?  Why do different parts carry different beliefs.  Different memories.  Different feelings.  Why do i and many more parts of me want to die all the time.  Why do i feel like i have lived several seperate lives?  How can i hate my whole life and the people in it one minute then care for them the next??????

Why?  Why?  Why?   Nobody is helping me. 

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2 responses »

  1. So sorry this is happening. I get it. I’ve been in slumps. Also extremely good as dissociating. The fact that you can talk about it and you do helps. Getting it out helps. Anxiety fucks with you in all the wrong ways – I was absolutely convinced I was going to die a few months ago and on top of that was feeling shit for speaking up and being around. I understand the complications with feeling like you’re not you, like who is that person and where did they come from. It’s scary as hell. Do you have a therapist or a support group?

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