It’s horrible when you wake up in the morning crying and sad because you hate your life so much. So so much you want to constantly end it but Don’t have the courage because you don’t want to fail. Feel bad that you would leave People behind that need you. I feel bad feeling all this but this is not the life i want. Why don’t i get a say. Why don’t i get what i want. Nobody looks after me. Nobody cares about me. I wish we had never had kids then this would be so easy. I could do it. Or i could leave and get the life i want. We are happy. But i don’t know if I love them. It’s sad. Really sad.
Ahhh peace in my mind finally. After a few hectic days if constant bickering back and forth about killing myself they’re finally gone quiet. I’ve learned to calm them a little by shhhhing them and saying that I’m here listening but I’m busy and i will listen later. Or i do listen and rationalise. Some times though i have no control. No idea of the change in my attitude. I do however notice the feeling in my brain. Like right now it feels light and quiet. Thank God because it has been quite chaotic as I.p puts it. I had emails in my drafts to her as well that were like arguments but i hadn’t sent as i wasn’t allowed. But as soon as it had been quiet i secretly sent them off to her. No point in trying to get half assed help. She’s the only one that understands or know about them. I think others know of my attitudes but not my alters. And i don’t think some of them will be happy with me but i don’t care. I really need help.
Everything is so fucked up and Loud in my head i can’t take it anymore. I want to leave this earthly plain and be at peace. Most of us want to. Broken is trying to get help. Making us cry and be little all the fuckn time. But 2 can play at that game. I can stop her getting help. Help won’t help anyway they’ll just fuckn lock us up and throw away the key. Which they should do cos I’m going crazy in here. Im a Cunt one minute and a little girl the next. Want to be free of all the things tying me down but don’t want to let those people down. It’s not fair. And a mum to multiples. It’s fuckn hard. No singletons around here. Fuck this shit hole existence.
I’m scared of everything at the moment. I want to talk to I.p and tell her but I’m worried that if I’m too much of a hassle she won’t want to work with us and she’s the first one we’ve ever even trusted a tiny little bit let alone a whole lot. It is scary to think about it. We should ask how much of a hassle we are. We don’t want to be. We areally don’t we just don’t have anybody who understands.
I can’t keep control of this anymore. My. Mins wanders fast and switches furiously. So many people trying to get out our stay hidden. One wants help the rest hate her. We can’t email our t for fear she’ll do something about us like locking us up or leaving and not wanting to work with us. We scared she won’t want to work with us because we are so complicated. Nobody gets it. Nobody understands how Totaly out of control my mind is. All they see is this person going about their daily business. Well i hope that’s what they see. If they saw a glimpse of broken they would see. Or Bitch. They been fighting all morning. One minute I’m crying the next I’m scalding myself for being a pathetic little Cunt. Why won’t nobody see i really want help. I can see and feel and hear what’s happening with those 2. But not the rest. They just take over and there is no recollection until i am them again. Fuck this life i would rather be dead right now. This is just way too much to handle.
PTSD and Complex PTSD
PTSD and Complex PTSD are both caused by trauma. PTSD can be caused either by a single traumatic event (e.g., earthquake, sexual assault, or serious auto accident) or by multiple traumatic events (e.g. several traumatic events during war). Complex PTSD can only be caused by multiple traumatic experiences which have a wider range of symptoms than those in the PTSD criteria. Typical causes involve the person being in a prolonged, and normally continuous, set of traumatic experiences over a considerable period of time. For example, child abuse lasting several years or prolonged captivity with severe mistreatment, e.g. in a concentration camp.  This related interpersonal abuse causes problems in many future relationships.
Complex PTSD has additional symptoms
- Interpersonal difficulties, meaning relationship problems
- Negative self-concept, for example persistent beliefs that
- Affect dysregulation, meaning being unable to manage…
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Very helpful having rules.
I am in no way an expert and I am sure that other people have other ways of doing things but I am going to explain how I made rules amongst my Helpers and hope my experience can help someone out there either with DID or loving/caring for someone with it.
Long before I knew that I had DID, I was having periods of severe self harm, issues with eating, therapy being very inconsistent, some extremely inappropriate behaviours, as well as flickering in and out of interactions with people as often as every minute or so.
I had all the diagnoseable issue of memory lapses/losses and such as well but it was these issues that either caused me personal harm or threatened my recovery that I felt I needed to tackle first.
I decided on a short list of really important rules. You can decide your own. I just chose…
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So confused. My t asked a while ago if i thought i had multiple personality disorder. I said No. Problem being i think it was somebody else answering back then. So much crazy shit had happened to us. So confused over this and fighting Dissociation is hurting my head so much. Anytime i read anything DID my brain fizzes out like i want to ignore everything. Oh so confused over this shit