Monthly Archives: April 2015

Fire

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Was her intention with the fire for us all to die? Why did I sleep the farthest away in a flash room with a four poster double bed?
Is this what the fuck I mean by child brothel. Fuck I feel. How do I even know what it is but we feel like we been in one. Fuck. I gotta get high and block the shit out. Go numb.  Please dissappear before you vomit.

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Daycare

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Biggest trigger,  sux.  Ahhhhhh pain right across brain.  Dull.  Anyway. Twice today.  Bloody hell. This morning when twin b made me feel like shit by screaming his head off. One of my Littles wanted to cry and said I feel bad like I done something wrong.  Karen said we didn’t and that he would be OK.  It was hard.  Then again as I walked in later               ###×# trigger ****    I was racked with hideous pain down there I could hardly walk. It’s horrible I feel like a freak and the headaches cause me to rub my skull yeah.  It’s fucked.  Maybe this is the one that’s hidden?  I just knew I had to put this shit down that’s all. It’s way worse in my head but I ain’t writing in detail. Oh fuck, i just realised they share too much with her. Start locking the fuckn doors. That’s what happened to us so you oh fuck I’m remember the house and hall, twitching Ohhh my head something is saying that the hall clearly means something.  I feel like I’m a baby in a fuckn brothel oh god I’m guna vomit. We used to bang on the doors. Watch from the other side.  I don’t know what happened in that real hallway in that real house. I also know oh fuck are you serious mother Rucker,  is this why that cunt  had so many kids in the house, oh the crying that’s why I fuckn hate crying. Oh fuck I’m telling myself no right now. I cannot process this, I can just write.only write. Mother fuckers fuck fuck I always had a bad feeling about the fire and that I just always felt uneasy. Fuckn fuck and then the horse girl. That fuckn wasn’t a fukn horse no way. We weren’t there we made to think we there. She died. But how. Fuck me I’m guna vomit. On the way home from buying drugs. Yeah I know shut up. I started to think of trauma, fuck I don’t remember what now, fuck, anyway up I think brooke came out. I had to stop driving. The forehead cme back yeah she’s confirming this, the forehead came back. We did video. It’s hideous ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh   right side tapping agreeing. She’ll want to delete it. Oh brooke made a friend today. Kerri Anne. She’s 10 soon. She’s fun and excited to catch up Monday about the project. Boss can’t let her down and Brooke defo wnts 2 b there. Ow left parietal lobe. Upper mesencephelon.
Haha just trying to remember what we learnt. Anyway back to the trauma which I fuckn don’t want to but a video I watched today about fizzy coke and trauma stuff is you only do a little fizz and brake on. Oh fuck. OK one of us remember the fire and always felt like why was it that it was me she conveniently forgot when it was my bedroom the fire was outside.  I feel very bad things happened at these 2 houses, same foster family. Why did we leave the hallway house to go to the farm. Where did she die. I’m guna vomit. We need to build ourselves a house I am no longer living in a fuckn hallway. OK so what if one of us is right about the hallway. That’s where I get the yelling swearing from. Fuck. Especially to kids. Shit. Jesus I can’t be like that cunt. I felt like she was angry the fire was stopped in some way. That I was saved. Why would I think that.  She used to lock us in the hallway away from the living areas to.  I really want to cry but  I think if I even acknowledge any of this right now I will have system failure.  Fuck I think we should ask mum more about this foster home shit.  Did she know the people. Did she know we got locked up and we’re left in those black painful rooms. In my mind the doors are locked. Thank fuck for that. Those rooms can go in the basement of the house we are going to build. They have to go in the house.  I don’t know why. What are they even here for. Oh cos they’re in my head already. Why are they there? ummmmm  cos you went in those rooms to sleep probly. Wen you were living there.  Not older. And there’s parts locked in those rooms that go with you everywhere. You’ve locked the rooms on us for years, you can do it if you really want. 

Oh my god how did  go from daycare trigger to this.  I’m fuckn lost I don’t know if I’ve got it to keep struggling,I just want to fuckn shoot myself in the ad . As long as nobody knows me like this. I have to destroy our journals. I just want to crawl under a rock of shame and die.

Team

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Fuck n hell.  “Good morning team” How would you like to be called team.  I want to say fuck off.  That’s the bitch in me. I’ll be honest.  Ha I think she met her the other day. I don’t know.  Can’t remember much.  Depends who was in session (right tap) to who remember what happened. I know blaze was definitely there  (haha yeah smiling)  fuck knows.  Can’t remember jack shit, and that is why it’s a fuckn waste of time going. Seriously what the fuck do we get out of it. Nothing.  Fuckn nothing,  so you better not spend my weed money just so you can fuckn go.  How you guna earn that money.  Hahaha I know how. Should just harden up or disappear. Not as if she’s guna listen anyway.

Talking

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I wish I could talk how I write. Like get it out verbally. I know we are getting better and we trusting the t and I think she understands most of us.  But low I don’t know I just can’t talk.  I’ve never been allowed to. Is it my own programming  or is someone else responsible for slut whore messages. I don’t know.  There’s more deep down and younger.  I can’t reach it.  My head hurts constantly. Bitch has been in.  I don’t know how I know.  Fuck.  This is is so confusing this life. I have emails to my T that I never sent and there is content in them that we talked about so I’m happy with that.  Gotta be I suppose  I mean when does this shit ever feel good.  Never. Talking about it,  when I do,  if I ever do will not feel good. I’m scared about that.  Totally. How the fuck do you process shit.  Especially when you know your not ready.  Your brain will explode.  But some younger parts have kept these secrets for 20 yes so want to talk about them.  Ugh. God dam there’s so much to talk about.  It’s not fair.  I want a whole fuckn day.  I want to talk my head off.

It’s not fair, when’s my turn.  I’ll never get a turn. 

Bad

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I don’t know where the others are that hold the bad stuff. I know some of them but not all.  There’s missing stuff. Missing. Feelings. Emotions. I don’t know what they are.  How they work.  What they do.  Like cos i know there are things like them.
There’s evil in us. That’s what it feels like most days. Because one minute we can be good then something comes over our brain and we change we feel it in our head thoughts and our breathing. There some missing, I haven’t met them all I haven’t I know it. Some have been showing themselves invisibly. I know they’re here I just don’t experience them like the others. That’s how I know they missing.

Trigger

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I’m having Rolf memories,  I’m guns vomit.  I remember that he used to get us to be naked Chance he got.  Swimming,  sauna and bathroom.  I Wana vomit. All of us kids.  He would take photos to I remember. Is sick cos one of us like it maybe,  but I know I did not want to at all. He just would keep saying it’s all right, it’s all right,  we’re family. *****% $# trigger $÷#=%&&       There’s nothing to be afraid of, family help each other as he would wash us.  Yuck down where he shouldn’t, ahhhhhh  it’s confusing.  Maybe he should have maybe he shouldn’t.  Ugh fuck if that was my daughter I   ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Fuck fuck fuck fuck I’m so sick in the head that I let him. Maybe we liked it.  Ahhhhhh how can we not remember.  But we do remember. that doesn’t make sense. 

I suppose we were lucky to see that it was going to get worse so we left and never went back. Shit that’s what I was feeling fucked off about yesterday, how he got away with that and everything else and whatever else he’s done. There’s definitely other kids if his kids and his kids friends were OK to *:”% €÷”#@
My god why do we have to remember shit.

Owwwwwwww we just been remembering stuff and it hurts our tummy and our priva t es I want to vomit I X c dont like vomiting either. It hi oerri ble I remember mum vomiting much

Realise

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Someone else is trying to get out.  I had a memory earlier which I’ve conveniently forgotten what it was but it’s weird cos you know you’ve had one by triggering others.  Anyway.  Fuck.  Theres someone else dammit and i had a clue about them and now I’ve forgotten. Fuck that is the Totaly annoying thing.  I’m glad i know something is happening to some extent. And I’ve had alot of pain in the last 2 days.  Lots if switches.  Bitch has Actually saved us.  It’s weird.  But anyway.  I’m still having lost time but there are others i know that have been here.  That must mean Co concious because i know they do things but i do them because i Dint have control.  The other day i was trying to write but my hand was fighting me.  It was nuts.  I was thinking one thing but my hand was writing another.  I feel like they’ve been here before. Bitch is adamant in denying there here.  Doesn’t want to see.