Just be useful will ya

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The other day my T  said to just call on somebody else when I have to have sex.  Like I don’t know if she thinks it is that easy or if I’m fakin it or if it can actually be as easy as willing a switch to happen. It’s not that easy.   Sometimes I do think I’m faking this but the more I learn the more it relates to my life.  Just not the attempts at suicide. Cos I’m too scared of failing and also I know that it won’t be an attempt it will be a success. I think my Littles stop me when I do get that close to the edge.  They distract me or take over.  In the last 3 months I kinda remember 3 times now I was definitely going to do it.  And 2 of those times I went amnesiac midway,  you wake up not even knowing why the fuck your taping up the exhaust pipe with garden hose. And other scenarios like self harming and not knowing your doing it or doing it knowingly but no control and you don’t know why.  Reading notes between others.  Knowing I’m writing these notes andi can see my hand writing but it doesn’t feel like me.  I’m fucking going crazy I must be.  Maybe they are just voices.  Maybe there made up.  I just want to fuckn dissappear so they go away. 

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2 responses »

  1. I’m not sure why your T said that, but I wouldn’t necessarily advise “calling on” an alter to have sex. First of all, I agree – DID is not as simple as just switching on command. Also, to do so would certainly promote the idea of maintaining separation of functions and emotions and encourage dissociation on your part. Neither of which seem like very good ideas to me. I believe you. I know it feels crazy and like you’re lying, though. I feel that often.

    Liked by 1 person

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