Why does it always hurt


I know why when i get woken up I’m so angry sometimes.  I’m asleep for a fuckn start.  And its 5am in the fuckn morning.  No wonder I’m pissed. But after all that it’s because I’m not me. I’m disorientated I’m a different me trying to figure out who I’ve woken up as.  This morning i felt like beholder. Hateful of my family.  Wanting to get stoned straight away wanting to run away.  Ugh i just actually went and got stoned cane back and this post is here.  Weird.  Who am i. I was just thinking that if i was boss or broken or brooke, baby i wouldn’t be wanting to get high.  Last week all we wanted was our teddy. Our old ted from mrs holmes. Sigh. At least some of us are good with the kids. Oh I remembered that the other night I wanted to cut myself and then I switched and I felt horrible and pain in my tummy and groin then this girl showed me why I was in pain. I could remember this before but I couldn’t connect with this girl bar the pain I was feeling. Oh and the reason I’m telling this is because I think it was her distracting me from the cutting. I know this has happened before now too. When I went to kill us in the car. Anyway reason again was I think it was sweet she distracted us from cutting again.

I also notice that I can tell sometimes who is hosting. I think I’m going to say that because I don’t think I have a particular host. We’ve all hosted at different times whether it’s for minutes or hours days weeks months years my god I want to vomit saying that and I feel real vulnerable. Ugh. Who am I. We are all one you know. It’s OK.

I also read that I’ve made alters for certain emotions. Which makes sense cos sometimes I’m deluded and think I’ve never been angry before but that’s hippy she’s a dreamer. And I have most certainly been angry. Sad that makes me feel I don’t see hippy much. Haven’t for a while anyway. blaze has been in control for a few weeks then. Think maybe cos mum was here. I didn’t want pot before then and since then it’s been a struggle again against it. Some want it some don’t and others don’t know what it is but they are stoned a lot. And it was way more chaotic when not smoking pot. Or am I just thinking that. ? ? No it was way more chaotic. Especially for her. She wanted to really kill herself, so it was more chaotic.

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