Daycare

Standard

Biggest trigger,  sux.  Ahhhhhh pain right across brain.  Dull.  Anyway. Twice today.  Bloody hell. This morning when twin b made me feel like shit by screaming his head off. One of my Littles wanted to cry and said I feel bad like I done something wrong.  Karen said we didn’t and that he would be OK.  It was hard.  Then again as I walked in later               ###×# trigger ****    I was racked with hideous pain down there I could hardly walk. It’s horrible I feel like a freak and the headaches cause me to rub my skull yeah.  It’s fucked.  Maybe this is the one that’s hidden?  I just knew I had to put this shit down that’s all. It’s way worse in my head but I ain’t writing in detail. Oh fuck, i just realised they share too much with her. Start locking the fuckn doors. That’s what happened to us so you oh fuck I’m remember the house and hall, twitching Ohhh my head something is saying that the hall clearly means something.  I feel like I’m a baby in a fuckn brothel oh god I’m guna vomit. We used to bang on the doors. Watch from the other side.  I don’t know what happened in that real hallway in that real house. I also know oh fuck are you serious mother Rucker,  is this why that cunt  had so many kids in the house, oh the crying that’s why I fuckn hate crying. Oh fuck I’m telling myself no right now. I cannot process this, I can just write.only write. Mother fuckers fuck fuck I always had a bad feeling about the fire and that I just always felt uneasy. Fuckn fuck and then the horse girl. That fuckn wasn’t a fukn horse no way. We weren’t there we made to think we there. She died. But how. Fuck me I’m guna vomit. On the way home from buying drugs. Yeah I know shut up. I started to think of trauma, fuck I don’t remember what now, fuck, anyway up I think brooke came out. I had to stop driving. The forehead cme back yeah she’s confirming this, the forehead came back. We did video. It’s hideous ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh   right side tapping agreeing. She’ll want to delete it. Oh brooke made a friend today. Kerri Anne. She’s 10 soon. She’s fun and excited to catch up Monday about the project. Boss can’t let her down and Brooke defo wnts 2 b there. Ow left parietal lobe. Upper mesencephelon.
Haha just trying to remember what we learnt. Anyway back to the trauma which I fuckn don’t want to but a video I watched today about fizzy coke and trauma stuff is you only do a little fizz and brake on. Oh fuck. OK one of us remember the fire and always felt like why was it that it was me she conveniently forgot when it was my bedroom the fire was outside.  I feel very bad things happened at these 2 houses, same foster family. Why did we leave the hallway house to go to the farm. Where did she die. I’m guna vomit. We need to build ourselves a house I am no longer living in a fuckn hallway. OK so what if one of us is right about the hallway. That’s where I get the yelling swearing from. Fuck. Especially to kids. Shit. Jesus I can’t be like that cunt. I felt like she was angry the fire was stopped in some way. That I was saved. Why would I think that.  She used to lock us in the hallway away from the living areas to.  I really want to cry but  I think if I even acknowledge any of this right now I will have system failure.  Fuck I think we should ask mum more about this foster home shit.  Did she know the people. Did she know we got locked up and we’re left in those black painful rooms. In my mind the doors are locked. Thank fuck for that. Those rooms can go in the basement of the house we are going to build. They have to go in the house.  I don’t know why. What are they even here for. Oh cos they’re in my head already. Why are they there? ummmmm  cos you went in those rooms to sleep probly. Wen you were living there.  Not older. And there’s parts locked in those rooms that go with you everywhere. You’ve locked the rooms on us for years, you can do it if you really want. 

Oh my god how did  go from daycare trigger to this.  I’m fuckn lost I don’t know if I’ve got it to keep struggling,I just want to fuckn shoot myself in the ad . As long as nobody knows me like this. I have to destroy our journals. I just want to crawl under a rock of shame and die.

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