This is just utter bullshit man. Just bullshit. I wanna fuckn say I’m faking but I’m fast becoming aware of the others. Fuck sake. I don’t know all of them and i certainly don’t fuckn talk to them. i don’t want to know them. Oh Holy shit. I just realised that Bitch and brutal bitch are twins. H fuck. Fuck fuck wowwowowow. OK let me get my head around this. Why is it opposite though. It’s opposite. In the dream. But maybe that was how it was revealing itself that i knew how to split. Wow. Owwwwwwww fuck my head. Left back . Right temple.
Fuck this fuckn job. Ugh
Yeah i also realise what that dream was and because i feel like brutal Bitch is a split off me,bitch that they are twins. Does that make sense. Fuck oh man both sides of brain. I don’t want to live like this fuckers
Oh my god you are fuckn nuts and have me in stitches because you went back to your post to update but you said the same shit and now your reading that you wrote the same thing twice your like wow. Hahaha Crack me up.
Ps it’s cool to have twins, we’re multiples of multiples with multiples fuckn funny oh thank god for a laugh cos is such a drag being brooke, so cry baby
I know why when i get woken up I’m so angry sometimes. I’m asleep for a fuckn start. And its 5am in the fuckn morning. No wonder I’m pissed. But after all that it’s because I’m not me. I’m disorientated I’m a different me trying to figure out who I’ve woken up as. This morning i felt like beholder. Hateful of my family. Wanting to get stoned straight away wanting to run away. Ugh i just actually went and got stoned cane back and this post is here. Weird. Who am i. I was just thinking that if i was boss or broken or brooke, baby i wouldn’t be wanting to get high. Last week all we wanted was our teddy. Our old ted from mrs holmes. Sigh. At least some of us are good with the kids. Oh I remembered that the other night I wanted to cut myself and then I switched and I felt horrible and pain in my tummy and groin then this girl showed me why I was in pain. I could remember this before but I couldn’t connect with this girl bar the pain I was feeling. Oh and the reason I’m telling this is because I think it was her distracting me from the cutting. I know this has happened before now too. When I went to kill us in the car. Anyway reason again was I think it was sweet she distracted us from cutting again.
I also notice that I can tell sometimes who is hosting. I think I’m going to say that because I don’t think I have a particular host. We’ve all hosted at different times whether it’s for minutes or hours days weeks months years my god I want to vomit saying that and I feel real vulnerable. Ugh. Who am I. We are all one you know. It’s OK.
I also read that I’ve made alters for certain emotions. Which makes sense cos sometimes I’m deluded and think I’ve never been angry before but that’s hippy she’s a dreamer. And I have most certainly been angry. Sad that makes me feel I don’t see hippy much. Haven’t for a while anyway. blaze has been in control for a few weeks then. Think maybe cos mum was here. I didn’t want pot before then and since then it’s been a struggle again against it. Some want it some don’t and others don’t know what it is but they are stoned a lot. And it was way more chaotic when not smoking pot. Or am I just thinking that. ? ? No it was way more chaotic. Especially for her. She wanted to really kill herself, so it was more chaotic.
I’m hosting at the moment. Yeah i figuring this shit out bitches and it fuckn hurts my head but I’m doing it. Not so dumb after all eh. It’s really busy so i took over to have a break out but the others want me to go back in. I’m the fun one though that’s why fuckers. Let’s get high and waste everyone.
I know now I been main front and present for weeks now. since the day before mum, and I remember being present at I.p’s cos I didn’t talk to her. Didn’t want to. That’s why I didn’t want I.p meeting her cos she would get on with her and agree with whatever shit mum has to say. Everyone always liked my mum and never knew why I didn’t always get on with her. They didn’t have to fuckn live with them. I’m the cutter and the pot smoker so no wonder I been feeling like this. Ugh my life is chaos right now. I don’t want to fuck the kids lives. Even though I am more fun mum when I’m me. And by the way coffee tastes like shit. Need like more sugar like when I was physically this age like yeah.
Wow so this is in the afternoon now so sort of an update: i didn’t think Bailey had any trauma memories but it seems she does and that’s why the shower is significant in a way but was never like this before. And she fuckn stayed out and talked to the boys while they were in the bath. She’s got a fuckn accent and i remember her now. Bloody hell. This is weird. I am so weird. And the husband was standing right behind her when she spoke and then i spoke and said where the fuck did that accent come from. The husband heard everything. Ooops. Now i feel sick.
What the fuck do we fuckn talk about in Apts. Oh my god. Yes it would be good to record but we don’t all agree. This shit is just coming naturally to me. It’s like I don’t know one minute but shit makes total sense the next. Oh man that’s why I been going crazy Because I been going Co con I don’t think she realizes how distressing this is. How noticing that some have been around a long time. Fuck I just blacked out for 20 minutes. Fuck I don’t think she knows how to help me. Fuck. Bloody hell. And it took us all that courage and we were scared but we put our names then she only acknowledged the fuckn girls. What’s with that. She does not get it. Unless she doesn’t see my name. But I doubt it. I was thinking is cos I’m a boy.
The other day my T said to just call on somebody else when I have to have sex. Like I don’t know if she thinks it is that easy or if I’m fakin it or if it can actually be as easy as willing a switch to happen. It’s not that easy. Sometimes I do think I’m faking this but the more I learn the more it relates to my life. Just not the attempts at suicide. Cos I’m too scared of failing and also I know that it won’t be an attempt it will be a success. I think my Littles stop me when I do get that close to the edge. They distract me or take over. In the last 3 months I kinda remember 3 times now I was definitely going to do it. And 2 of those times I went amnesiac midway, you wake up not even knowing why the fuck your taping up the exhaust pipe with garden hose. And other scenarios like self harming and not knowing your doing it or doing it knowingly but no control and you don’t know why. Reading notes between others. Knowing I’m writing these notes andi can see my hand writing but it doesn’t feel like me. I’m fucking going crazy I must be. Maybe they are just voices. Maybe there made up. I just want to fuckn dissappear so they go away.
Having no Facebook in my real life is great. No more time for that shit meaning more time for building tracks. Need to take photos of all of the ways because they get busted so quick. Just as i type this one breaks it already.
Facebook is great for info but i noticed most people in my real life didn’t like what i had to say so i thought why bother. It’s much better reading intelligent shit or real life like blogs. And then there’s allowing time for the times you don’t remember what the fuck you’ve done all day. Ugh switching is tiring. And i loved having a decent break from it. Hope they go away for good. They’re good at wasting my time and cutting me and then taking up all my headspace