Monthly Archives: May 2015

Poem – At the end

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I know I will learn some good stuff here. Hope others will too.

Holding my childhood to ransom

Day one of the ISPS conference on psychosis is over. I’ve wept, I’ve met many new people, I’ve made friends, shared ideas, had paradigms challenged, found support, listened, learned, talked, shone, and soaked up all within reach of me. I’m back in bed now, dazed, sleep deprived, and changing gear. Poetry is a good place to come back to when you’re feeling skinless, so:

We have blazed brightly and now
At the end, alone in the dim
Comes the haunting fragility – the nakedness
Away from the theatre, from the pagentry
The balloons deflate
Not because it is not real
But because life cannot always be the lights and noise,
The parade of new fascinating people,
The urgent connections, sudden introductions, immediate revelations…

Thankfully.

I’ve lost count of how many people I’ve told today that I’m sometimes psychotic or always multiple.
Or shared unfinished thoughts with, not polished and perfected…

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Alone

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You really are alone in it when you have a mental illness. Some people just have no compassion or empathy at all and those people can be your nearest and so called dearest.  Because I have not had sex with my husband  (because I am 7 yrs old and traumatized alter ) he is angry at me. her.  It’s bullshit,  all her life is been about paying a price and yesterday she had trauma therapy and like she is going to want sex.  No trauma is ever mentioned in therapy but just the thought of therapy triggers the others.  So last night I made her cry cos I was happy that our t got me and he said he can’t deal with me tonight,  so off the tears switch.  Tonight I tried suggesting he goes out. There’s always something.  Not enough money no transport  no booze.  When there’s drinks in the fridge and he could go if he wanted.  No he doesn’t want to cos he wants to punch some cunt in the face.  That triggered us it wasn’t nice.  Because we know that some cunt is us because we haven’t sexually gratified him. 😦 fuckn life sux and everybody thinks I’m coping. Haha

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID): Types of Alter Parts

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Helpful read

Blooming Lotus

Green plant (c) Lynda BernhardtI have heard Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) described as a “create your own disorder” disorder, so it can manifest in many ways. Unless a person’s experience meets the criteria laid out in the DSM-IV for DID, the person is not diagnosed with DID, even though her multiple system might be just as complex. Those situations are labeled as DD-NOS (Dissociative Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified).

Most people with DID have a host personality, which is the part that the person identifies as “me.” That part is not the original inner child. Instead, this is an “innocent” alter part that was created to perpetuate the illusion of innocence despite the abuse. That part stays present most of the time when no abuse (or threat of abuse) is present. However, when the threat of abuse triggers other alter parts to take over, the host personality is tucked away safely inside, which is…

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Bitch

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She’s such a bitch.  I can’t believe she creates all this drama.  I don’t want drama.  Not in real life. ( this is what she was like at school)  Jesus, they must trust her to say shit to her but I feel like they all outside the body.  And yes I have fucked up distortion of reality . I feel like all thes people do shit and they don’t even think.  Fuck before they act they don’t think.  I feel like being reckless and doing drugs and fucking shit up but that is not her.  I feel b a d in a way cos she ain’t got a say at the moment.  I think she thinks she does but really you don’t. She’s our puppet. Too embarrassed really. We’re pretty separatist at the moment everybody’s on the verge  on the outside.   I know shit dint make sense but we live on the outside of reality, we got nobody to talk to.  The t OK but hmm? ….trust I don’t know. Why do we go anyway. L is OK but we cat really talk parts lol.  Oh well.  Should just box everybody up and lock em all away again.  It’s really tempting to kill myself and everyday there is an opportunity but that is only escaping the unknown. 

Drama

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Haha I live in a high drama world as most people do. Non stop chatter all day and it fuck it hurts. Meanwhile  this is all in my head.  Which I feel somebody is trying to push through hard right now.  The head pain that comes and goes with it is a bitch.  but if you let it happen it goes quick.  Co con is so tiring and dissociating makes you feel all sorts of fuckn weird crap.  I think the pain is the resistance from admission of others  and as I write that I get a kick in the head. I didn’t know the association of the hallway to my system.well I did but I didn’t know it was because that is where whatever happened there happened. I do however feel said people were cause for some very bad programming. Nobody in my real life will believe me. And that’s OK.  I don’t really need anybody anymore.  I know I can rely on myself or take myself out. I would never take my kids out or my husband either. I have bad people in me. So many questions why people never saw either. They still don’t.  There’s been so so many triggers and every bad little thing has been contained In little boxes for later retrieval. We don’t have good affect regulations  though.  A lot get suicidal.  10 out of the lot so far at any one time.  Lock their doors. That’s what I do. I know there’s lots of little things all over the place but I don’t know how to get to them or if I want to.  I feel like I’ve created a fuckn false fantasy world.  It’s so sick but in turn I know they are there I just don’t know how to get to them.  Anyway I just ramble on at the moment haha.

Brooke is disappointed that she won’t get time to go this week.

She totally fucked up and said she wanted her own time or some shit and fuckn said yes to apt with t all by her fuckn self. But OK sorry getting upset that I wasn’t aware of that I’ll calm down got to be good protector not persecutors no more. Fuckn mak es s me want to vomit. Ugh she can’t go and spew forth her crap and leave everybody else to pick up the pieces. Or slices as such. She read a journal on how to be a good DID therapist cos that’s her job.  Inner fuckn self helper or whatever and read how she wants to talk it out but the host ain’t ready and that’s t he truth,  she knows that now so it’ll be a good break from real t this week. She’s been fucking up her life for ages

Three Jars

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Things I Learned In Therapy

Screen Shot 2015-05-21 at 10.03.00 PMToday’s therapy session was another very dense hour of conversation. I went in feeling a little unsure of how I wanted to start the session. I knew of a couple things I wanted to address, but it can be overwhelming to start a session. This therapist is not the type to give prompting questions or to connect last session with this one by asking leading questions. I actually think that’s a good thing, but it puts all the pressure on me to open the conversation.

So in standard Andi form, I just told her that. I said I felt really awkward about the first few minutes of every single session. She asked what made it awkward and I explained that there are a few reasons. For one thing, it’s hard to walk into a room and sit down and then suddenly have the spotlight on you for an hour. It’s…

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