No wonder they quiet and I thought they were gone. It’s because they too scared. Now I get it. Nobody believes they here and nobody wants to talk about it they gone into hiding. Now they letting me know this is correct by hurting me in the head.
Oh I hate decisions. So bad at it cos they’re so many fuckn opinions. I would rather not be here to suffer any of the fuckn consequences of my decisions but most people and insiders don’t agree. Why can’t we just agree on one thing. I should just run away. Live rough again for a bit, but it’s too cold and well that was a lonnnnnng time ago. Fuck. So many supportive people to help haha what a joke, never has been and that’s another reason to. Fuck I should just go and fuckn do it instead of whinging and moaning about it all the time but I know it’s a big decision and one that I will not come back from. I have to know my boys will be looked after and with no will well. Dad will have them anyway but he’s not very nice to them, I don’t think life would be too happy for them. He gets grumpy too quick, that’s why I never say anything. He got angry before because of something I said so I said I just won’t talk to him any more. He was like you don’t talk to me anyway. That’s such bullshit. It confuses me because we talk about kids, he doesn’t want to know emotional shit and can’t handle it telling me to stop crying or I’m being irrational. He wouldn’t know what irrational is seriously. I’m the most obedient fuckn wife yet it’s still not fuckn enough or good enough or done right. I’m so fuckn over it. Ugh why can’t I have a voice. I’m about to go fuckn troppo in here and take the body off on a mission or somewhere, we don’t need anybody for survival. Thes a difference in needing and wanting and I don’t need anybody because I’ve always relied on myself.
I’m fuckn sick of it. Sick of everything, life, asshole people in general. Is hard when you give a fuck about others but nobody gives a fuck about you.
This DID shit is bullshit. It’s just all made up in her stupid little mind. The husband is being a complete asshole, last night he called me names and said I was strange for staying up. What cos I wasn’t tired I’m fuckn now strange. I’m sick of looking after everybody else when there’s nobody to look after me. Fuck everyone. I really want to kill myself so I can get away from fuckn everything. I’m fuckn sick of it, everybody treats us like shit, who praises us for the things we do, who praises us for being alive, for studying for just plain still fuckn being here. Fuck fuck fuck. Nobody. There is this the foreboding pressure to stay alive for the children but what’s better, a fucked up family with a mum or no mum? Fuck, parts of me wanted to do life right. Get married, to a man have kids but that was the part that thought society and people would accept them for being right just and “normal” that part will feel like a failure if she leaves the man she said she would always love honor and obey. I think she just wanted normal. But it’s still not normal. Another shitty abusive relationship. Even though he doesn’t hit me he puts me down he uses words and attitude. I know that if I ever chatted back or had an opinion I would be dealt with I know that he has made it very clear. There has been one time which I never told anybody about. So I know he’s capable.
I don’t want to hurt no more I don’t want to do everything for everyone else, I’m sorry boys I really am. I felt like I had to have kids too. That is what he wanted. I should never have done what he wanted, but I always do. I don’t know how to stand up I don’t know how to have a voice I would just rather die right now. Don’t know if I love him, I don’t know if I ever have, I think somebody was in love with the idea of trying to be normal and what others want of us. I’m a bitch I’m a weirdo I’m strange. It’s always going to be like this it always has been. My old diaries are testament to that. I better sort my shit out get rid of my stuff do a will for my kids and then decide for good what the fuck I’m guna do about ending my misery.