Monthly Archives: June 2015

Jun30

TOXIC HOPE

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Toxic hope!

No Psychos, No Druggies, No Stooges

Three Reasons Your Relationship
Will Never Get Better

L.A. couples therapist featured in Time Magazine uses unique approach to marriage therapy including the acceptance that things won’t change.

There are three reasons that your relationship cannot improve, even though you keep thinking it will. These are primary problems that are so influential that they are an obstacle that must be cleared before real progress in the relationship is possible.

#1 Someone is frequently dishonest and that person is unwilling to identify that behavior as an individual problem that he or she wants to work on. An ongoing affair whether it is known or secret.

#2 Psychological or medical disorders that are not treated. (Or personality disorders that are untreatable)

These include: depression, manic depression, or menopause disorders, post traumatic stress and anxiety disorders such as obsessive-compulsive or post-traumatic stress disorder. (Include narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy or borderline personality in the personality…

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Jun27

fine

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fine

Jun27

ugh

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ugh

Jun27

Decisions decisions…..

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Oh I hate decisions. So bad at it cos they’re so many fuckn opinions. I would rather not be here to suffer any of the fuckn consequences of my decisions  but most people and insiders don’t agree. Why can’t we just agree on one thing.  I should just run away.  Live rough again for a bit,  but it’s too cold and well  that was a lonnnnnng  time ago.  Fuck.  So many supportive people to help haha what a joke,  never has been and that’s another reason to.  Fuck I should just go and fuckn do it instead of whinging and moaning about it all the time but I know it’s a big decision and one that I will not come back from. I have to know my boys will be looked after and with no will well. Dad will have them anyway but he’s not very nice to them,  I don’t think life would be too happy for them. He gets grumpy too quick,  that’s why I never say anything.  He got angry before because of something I said so I said I just won’t talk to him any more. He was like you don’t talk to me anyway.  That’s such bullshit. It confuses me because we talk about kids, he doesn’t want to know emotional shit and can’t handle it telling me to stop crying or I’m being irrational.  He wouldn’t know what irrational is seriously.  I’m the most obedient fuckn wife yet it’s still not fuckn enough or good enough or done right.  I’m so fuckn over it.  Ugh why can’t I have a voice.  I’m about to go fuckn troppo in here and take the body off on a mission or somewhere,  we don’t need anybody for survival. Thes a difference in needing and wanting and I don’t need anybody because I’ve always relied on myself.

Jun26

Screw this

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I’m fuckn sick of it.  Sick of everything,  life, asshole people in general. Is hard when you give a fuck about others but nobody gives a fuck about you. 
This DID shit is bullshit. It’s just all made up in her stupid little mind.  The husband is being a complete asshole, last night he called me names and said I was strange for staying up. What cos I wasn’t tired I’m fuckn now strange. I’m sick of looking after everybody else when there’s nobody to look after me.  Fuck everyone.  I really want to kill myself so I can get away from fuckn everything.  I’m fuckn sick of it,  everybody treats us like shit,  who praises us for the things we do,  who praises us for being alive, for studying for just plain still fuckn being here.  Fuck fuck fuck.  Nobody.  There is this the foreboding pressure to stay alive for the children but what’s better,  a fucked up family with a mum or no mum?  Fuck,  parts of me wanted to do life right.  Get married, to a man have kids but that was the part that thought society and people would accept them for being right just and “normal”  that part will feel like a failure if she leaves the man she said she would always love honor and obey.  I think she just wanted normal. But it’s still not normal.  Another shitty abusive relationship. Even though he doesn’t hit me he puts me down he uses words and attitude.  I know that if I ever chatted back or had an opinion I would be dealt with I know that he has made it very clear.  There has been one time which I never told anybody about. So I know he’s capable.
I don’t want to hurt no more I don’t want to do everything for everyone else,  I’m sorry boys I really am. I felt like I had to have kids too. That is what he wanted.  I should never have done what he wanted,  but I always do.  I don’t know how to stand up I don’t know how to have a voice I would just rather die right now.  Don’t know if I love him,  I don’t know if I ever have,  I think somebody was in love with the idea of trying to be normal and what others want of us.  I’m a bitch I’m a weirdo I’m strange. It’s always going to be like this it always has been. My old diaries are testament to that. I better sort my shit out get rid of my stuff do a will for my kids and then decide for good what the fuck I’m guna do about ending my misery. 

Jun26

Hard luck

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Man when can i get a break.  Nothing i do is right.  Never had been.  I wish i could just disappear instead of be here.  I thought it would always be roses but that part of me wanted to do everything right unlike anybody in my family.  And maybe I’m over reacting and i should bring up these issues but i think if i did i would still be told I’m being hysterical or over the top or irrational.  I hardly open by mouth and Everytime i say you don’t even know what irrational is.  Fuck sake. I fuckn do everything. Nobody helps me with shit.  Except the t. It’s getting easier for all to talk to her.  She’s actually the first ever stable person in our lives who had listened to some of our shit.  Christ she deals with alot from us.  Host feels bad but not alot she can do.  It was getting very embarrassing for her going there when we act out or tell stuff. She Don’t remember shit lol.  It’s sad but she knows some things have gone on but not exactly what.  So gets real embarrassed.  Someone was going to ring the old high school t. We found a note in an old journal which is another story in itself.  We have so many stories.  It hurts my head writing this.  I think I’m the host.  I just want to disappear.  Fuck I’m switching alot alot. I Don’t Want to say it especially to her but i think there are a lot of people inside me.  Ohhh see i just switched 3 times in a minute my heads shaking.  Fuck sake. This is why i hate my life.  I would rather be dead.  Cos it Hurts my fuckn head.  Oh my god i just realised brooke has been 7 for 26yrs jeez that’s how long we’ve been here.  Fuck her husband is an asshole.  Everyone in her life is useless.  Tells her what to do but doesn’t help. Nobody gives a shit.  After everything and then telling and being sad and suicidal and shit still people Dint know how to be good friends.  Fuck people.  Fuck.  Literally disappear that is what i want.  To fucking disappear.  Can you hire people to kill you for fuck sake.  Ahhhhhhh i Just want to scream I’m so fuckn trapped. What to do.
Too much going on for one person to handle really.  I mean i didn’t ask for this.  I got mean sore shoulders I’m so stressed out. 

Jun15

Agony

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Heathers Helpers

For many, many years I was a very depressed, suicidal, and self harming person who tried every coping strategy in the world to feel more balanced.  I tried to get better, feel happier and function more “normally”. I went to therapy, signed up for self-help seminars, read books, tried medications, and did every single thing I could think of to do in order to be well. Nothing worked. I was so down on myself about it. I felt like I was such a failure.

For many years there were good reasons for me to be down but when I got to closer to 30, things began to turn around and my life improved a lot. I was safe, loved, I had a good paying job, I was able to be at home and raise my children, I was able to buy a home which is something I thought I would…

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