Screw this

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I’m fuckn sick of it.  Sick of everything,  life, asshole people in general. Is hard when you give a fuck about others but nobody gives a fuck about you. 
This DID shit is bullshit. It’s just all made up in her stupid little mind.  The husband is being a complete asshole, last night he called me names and said I was strange for staying up. What cos I wasn’t tired I’m fuckn now strange. I’m sick of looking after everybody else when there’s nobody to look after me.  Fuck everyone.  I really want to kill myself so I can get away from fuckn everything.  I’m fuckn sick of it,  everybody treats us like shit,  who praises us for the things we do,  who praises us for being alive, for studying for just plain still fuckn being here.  Fuck fuck fuck.  Nobody.  There is this the foreboding pressure to stay alive for the children but what’s better,  a fucked up family with a mum or no mum?  Fuck,  parts of me wanted to do life right.  Get married, to a man have kids but that was the part that thought society and people would accept them for being right just and “normal”  that part will feel like a failure if she leaves the man she said she would always love honor and obey.  I think she just wanted normal. But it’s still not normal.  Another shitty abusive relationship. Even though he doesn’t hit me he puts me down he uses words and attitude.  I know that if I ever chatted back or had an opinion I would be dealt with I know that he has made it very clear.  There has been one time which I never told anybody about. So I know he’s capable.
I don’t want to hurt no more I don’t want to do everything for everyone else,  I’m sorry boys I really am. I felt like I had to have kids too. That is what he wanted.  I should never have done what he wanted,  but I always do.  I don’t know how to stand up I don’t know how to have a voice I would just rather die right now.  Don’t know if I love him,  I don’t know if I ever have,  I think somebody was in love with the idea of trying to be normal and what others want of us.  I’m a bitch I’m a weirdo I’m strange. It’s always going to be like this it always has been. My old diaries are testament to that. I better sort my shit out get rid of my stuff do a will for my kids and then decide for good what the fuck I’m guna do about ending my misery. 

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