I hate living with fuzzy brain, it’s real annoying. It makes me feel weird and I know that it shouldn’t feel like that. I’m faking out because she has research participation that she signed up for now she’s not here. The man who is the boss knows the birth name we think as our t might have told him. I’m faking balls anxiety and all that. Oh my head. I hope somebody can come save me. I need to trigger them out I don’t know how I’m only a kid but I know what’s happening in here I just haven’t been taught how to control it. I really need a big right now! but not the host cos if she goes then they will ring psych.
Positive out of negative.
I think I’m the original or the one they consider host. I’m very very depressed. I would rather be fuckn dead right now than have to live a life I do not want. I’ve never done anything for myself. Nothing has ever been good enough for anyone. Right from a little child. If I was alone it wouldn’t be like that I wouldn’t be letting anyone down nobody to tell me what to do or whether our shits good enough. If I was truly to let it all out I don’t know what would happen, catastrophic shit I bet. I’d be a raving lunatic ready for hospital alright. My t thinks respite would be good but they let you out. There’s more opportunities to kill myself as I have no responsibility for anyone so it’s easy for me to say that I could do it easier there than here. Ugh I don’t know what to do life would just be better if I didn’t exist.
So totally fucking over it. *£¥€&^/% $# TRIGGER WARNING **************
FUCK I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE! I hate how I feel. I hate everything about me and my life most days. I love in a dissociated blob
And am just so fucking over everything. I will feel guilty leaving my husband and children for a different life. I don’t even know what I want so it’s hard to know. I go to t and tell her these things but I don’t know I’m glad I can speak about it I suppose, so used to not letting those feelings out its weird when I do talk. Especially for somebody who doesn’t talk lol. I just feel so shit I should never have had kids I feel bad. I need to stay to protect them but I hate my fucking existence, it sux. God other people have it worse and right now kids are being abused everywhere at least mine is over I suppose. Oh fuck I’m losing sight again of life. God I don’t know what to do.
Trust is so huge and I don’t trust anyone at the moment. Not even the husband. Or the therapist at the moment, nobody in my life has been safe for me and still nobody is safe. Why do people just hurt others. I can’t take it anymore. I’m so hurt and confused I fucked up by trusting someone and now we in chaos again. Brooke