Monthly Archives: June 2015

Fuzzy brain


I hate living with fuzzy brain,  it’s real annoying. It makes me feel weird and I know that it shouldn’t feel like that. I’m faking out because she has research participation that she signed up for now she’s not here.  The man who is the boss knows the birth name we think as our t might have told him.  I’m faking balls anxiety and all that.  Oh my head.  I hope somebody can come save me. I need to trigger them out I don’t know how I’m only a kid but I know what’s happening  in here I just haven’t been taught how to control it.  I really need a big right now!  but not the host cos if she goes then they will ring psych.

D.I.D. and why I need my mommy…


So get this….

Heathers Helpers

What a “unique” title right? Do I have you curious? 😉 I know that it makes me sound 4 but I mentioned  in my last blog post that little Hannah is out with me right now and she is 4. I have done a lot of thinking about wee Hannah and what she needs. I also discussed it in therapy after writing Wednesdays post and have come to a few conclusions.

The first thing I realized was that there is a reason why I feel unable to comfort Hannah myself even though I’ve tried. I’ve done my best and I have taken good care of her so much as I can but there is this overwhelming feeling of me/Heather not being the answer on this one. I have started to wonder if this feeling has absolutely nothing to do with my abilities to mother her and everything to do with…

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Oh no sad but true. I hope you don’t end up dead and see this. Know I feel the same. It’s hard most days. Please do some nice things for yourself if you feel like this.


The mental health care system is well and truly a joke.


I try and do the right thing and follow up on a recommendation from the hospital and am told my file is closed now and I need to see my GP. What is the point in asking for help when they don’t give it to you? What’s the point in seeing my GP about it when she has not say on making anything happen any quicker? 2-3 months for an assessment?


Apparently the only way people take anyone seriously is to threaten another person? It’s not enough that my own life is threatened, I have to threaten another person’s life?? This system is shit and I can totally see why people end up dead. Let it be known now then that if I wind up dead it is the fault of the mental health system. I don’t…

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I think I’m the original  or the one they consider host. I’m very very depressed. I would rather be fuckn dead right now than have to live a life I do not want. I’ve never done anything for myself. Nothing has ever been good enough for anyone.  Right from a little child.  If I was alone it wouldn’t be like that I wouldn’t be letting anyone down nobody to tell me what to do or whether our shits good enough.  If I was truly to let it all out I don’t know what would happen,  catastrophic shit I bet. I’d be a raving lunatic ready for hospital alright. My t thinks respite would be good but they let you out.  There’s more opportunities  to kill myself as I have no responsibility for anyone so it’s easy for me to say that I could do it easier there than here.  Ugh I don’t know what to do life would just be better if I didn’t exist.

Over it


So totally fucking over it.  *£¥€&^/% $# TRIGGER WARNING **************


FUCK I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE! I hate how I feel. I hate everything about me and my life most days.  I love in a dissociated blob
And am just so fucking over everything. I will feel guilty leaving my husband and  children for a different life.  I don’t even know what I want so it’s hard to know.  I go to t and tell her these things but I don’t know I’m glad I can speak about it I suppose, so used to not letting those feelings out its weird when I do talk.  Especially for somebody who doesn’t talk lol.  I just feel so shit I should never have had kids I feel bad. I need to stay to protect them but I hate my fucking existence, it sux.  God other people have it worse and right now kids are being abused everywhere at least mine is over I suppose. Oh fuck I’m losing sight again of life.  God I don’t know what to do.

Trust issues, continue to cause isolation.


Trust issues are so huge with survivors.

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD


I am aware I have huge trust issues. I don’t consider people ‘bad’ if I don’t trust them. I just need to protect myself. With good reason. I’m aware I also do give people chances, but once I decide they are no longer trustworthy, that is that.

I’ve brought this up in counselling and I explained as best I could that due to things that were not helpful or okay that have been said, I have trust issues. The trust issues, are based in considerable fear. Fear of being hurt anymore. Fear of being abused. Fear of being abandoned. Fear of many things.

Severe, prolonged, interpersonal trauma, does this to you. And is very valid. Abnormal life experiences, mean someone sees life differently – due to the greater/deeper experiences endured…… to those who have led more average lives. And when it involves past and more recent trauma by church people, issues…

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Mantras for No Contact: Why Silence Can Be the Most Powerful Voice


Your voice matters but sometimes silence does speak louder than words

Self-Care Haven by Shahida Arabi

I shared this on my Facebook page today and thought it might provide encouragement to survivors struggling with No Contact if I provided an extended version. For those who feel stifled by silence or feel oppressed in a situation where silence is the best course of action, hear this: your voice matters and it will resound in the spaces and places where it is most important and most needed. Not with your abuser, but with other survivors and the world you were meant to leave an impact upon.

Traumas and conflicts are likely to feel threatening to our psyche. On harder days, we can make the choice to meditate, reflect and look at ourselves compassionately. Rather than continue to invest or waste energy on the people and situations that are draining us, we can channel some of that energy into our own self-care, self-love and self-compassion.

Mantras and positive affirmations…

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