Monthly Archives: June 2015

Hard luck

Standard

Man when can i get a break.  Nothing i do is right.  Never had been.  I wish i could just disappear instead of be here.  I thought it would always be roses but that part of me wanted to do everything right unlike anybody in my family.  And maybe I’m over reacting and i should bring up these issues but i think if i did i would still be told I’m being hysterical or over the top or irrational.  I hardly open by mouth and Everytime i say you don’t even know what irrational is.  Fuck sake. I fuckn do everything. Nobody helps me with shit.  Except the t. It’s getting easier for all to talk to her.  She’s actually the first ever stable person in our lives who had listened to some of our shit.  Christ she deals with alot from us.  Host feels bad but not alot she can do.  It was getting very embarrassing for her going there when we act out or tell stuff. She Don’t remember shit lol.  It’s sad but she knows some things have gone on but not exactly what.  So gets real embarrassed.  Someone was going to ring the old high school t. We found a note in an old journal which is another story in itself.  We have so many stories.  It hurts my head writing this.  I think I’m the host.  I just want to disappear.  Fuck I’m switching alot alot. I Don’t Want to say it especially to her but i think there are a lot of people inside me.  Ohhh see i just switched 3 times in a minute my heads shaking.  Fuck sake. This is why i hate my life.  I would rather be dead.  Cos it Hurts my fuckn head.  Oh my god i just realised brooke has been 7 for 26yrs jeez that’s how long we’ve been here.  Fuck her husband is an asshole.  Everyone in her life is useless.  Tells her what to do but doesn’t help. Nobody gives a shit.  After everything and then telling and being sad and suicidal and shit still people Dint know how to be good friends.  Fuck people.  Fuck.  Literally disappear that is what i want.  To fucking disappear.  Can you hire people to kill you for fuck sake.  Ahhhhhhh i Just want to scream I’m so fuckn trapped. What to do.
Too much going on for one person to handle really.  I mean i didn’t ask for this.  I got mean sore shoulders I’m so stressed out. 

Advertisements

Agony

Standard

Heathers Helpers

For many, many years I was a very depressed, suicidal, and self harming person who tried every coping strategy in the world to feel more balanced.  I tried to get better, feel happier and function more “normally”. I went to therapy, signed up for self-help seminars, read books, tried medications, and did every single thing I could think of to do in order to be well. Nothing worked. I was so down on myself about it. I felt like I was such a failure.

For many years there were good reasons for me to be down but when I got to closer to 30, things began to turn around and my life improved a lot. I was safe, loved, I had a good paying job, I was able to be at home and raise my children, I was able to buy a home which is something I thought I would…

View original post 754 more words

Fuzzy brain

Standard

I hate living with fuzzy brain,  it’s real annoying. It makes me feel weird and I know that it shouldn’t feel like that. I’m faking out because she has research participation that she signed up for now she’s not here.  The man who is the boss knows the birth name we think as our t might have told him.  I’m faking balls anxiety and all that.  Oh my head.  I hope somebody can come save me. I need to trigger them out I don’t know how I’m only a kid but I know what’s happening  in here I just haven’t been taught how to control it.  I really need a big right now!  but not the host cos if she goes then they will ring psych.
Brooke

Will the REAL ME please step forward? – Multiple Personality Disorder/ D.I.D.

Standard

Cyber Support Group

“…I will rescue him; I will protect him…I will be with him in trouble. I will deliver him and honor him and show him My salvation.” Ps.91:14-16

The Lord our God said that He knows every hair on our head, that He values us more than even the birds of the air, and that He knew us before we were even born. He created us as special, as like no other, yet in His image. He knows what we will face in this life before we even leave the womb.

God has given every person defense mechanisms to help us guard against atrocities and tragedies that can happen in life. We commonly think of denial when speaking of defense mechanisms. If we deny something long enough we can actually believe it never happened. This is very common in sexual abuse cases. Of course there are many other defense mechanisms that…

View original post 1,611 more words

D.I.D. and why I need my mommy…

Standard

So get this….

Heathers Helpers

What a “unique” title right? Do I have you curious? 😉 I know that it makes me sound 4 but I mentioned  in my last blog post that little Hannah is out with me right now and she is 4. I have done a lot of thinking about wee Hannah and what she needs. I also discussed it in therapy after writing Wednesdays post and have come to a few conclusions.

The first thing I realized was that there is a reason why I feel unable to comfort Hannah myself even though I’ve tried. I’ve done my best and I have taken good care of her so much as I can but there is this overwhelming feeling of me/Heather not being the answer on this one. I have started to wonder if this feeling has absolutely nothing to do with my abilities to mother her and everything to do with…

View original post 711 more words