Crisis mode

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So much has gone on and I have only had myself to count on.  Parts are upset and others are angry some are I told you so ages ago. So much has happened  in the last few weeks and I’ve been too scared to express myself anywhere in case I lost it. Now I’m back in my own house and can let all the guard down I’m a wreck again.  I don’t have to pretend. So of course I’m highly dissociated and headachey . Parts can sort of come out of hiding. I’ve been blocking the trauma parts because I went back to the places it happened.  I didn’t want to associate any memories or feelings so I blocked them.  I’m pretty good at blocking.  I just need to do that with t. Block the hurt and sad of not having somebody anymore.  Sharing and getting nothing in return.  just thinks we make it all up.  I do feel like I’ve made it all up half the time but the parts that are upset know is not made up.  I wish I could share the bad stuff I really really do but I just don’t know how.  I can’t talk I get stopped I get choked up and what I have shared I don’t really get much response. No reply.  Even if I’m really upset,  is like I have to hurt myself to get the attention but I don’t want to hurt myself because that’s just crap doing it for attention.  She’s the only one who listens to us so we will suffer but maybe we can work through that. So blocking the trauma parts may not have been the best idea but it saved me.  I see how it can help.  But now I got a little added extra and a new part emerged again.  I learnt new things from a high school buddy which was actually old stuff but new for me. I met an awesome man involved in the field in going into,  so exciting….  oh I did pass my papers to somebody did.  I don’t know who and I don’t know how.  But b’s I’m no academic that’s for sure but I was surprised and also let down all at the same time.  Not very proud of myself because I didn’t try very hard.  I think I’m losing the t. Brooke doesn’t want to go to her anymore because she can’t trust her anymore it’s not trust really it’s that we don’t think she will respond well for us and we scared and worried and all sorts of things all at once. Woah we just g o t real dizzy then.ok I think I switch a lot while there that everyone is trying to get their turn.

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