Parts are sabotaging me.

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Parts dont want to engage or have goals. Because we dont even know what we want. But brooke got upset and threw her fuckn toys out because she feels ignored. Which i have explained is not fully the case. The things she is ignored on are very hard questions and answered in the wrong context could affect different parts differently. Kicking back at someone trying to help is unfair. Abandonment and all that shit is what the issue is. Fear shame guilt disgust all of that. The host dont want to feel or know so pulls back and brooke just really wants tp talk about the bad shit which is scary so theres always internal pressure to talk from her. We dont want to always be suicidal. We dont want to cut eveytome we feel bad. We dont want to be ashamed. We want to be able.to.say out loud what happened to us. We want to come to terms with the life decisions parts have made and change what we can to be true to all parts. We need more hours a week to talk to t. Theres too many of us for 1hr. We need to feel like we can trust her and feel that we can talk. We need to not feel sooooo ashamed. And we need to stop blaming ourselves or parts for all the sexualised stuff that happened or was done to us. Oh well that looks like i had a switch to someone responsible just then who does know. I wish some of us werent so rude

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15 responses »

  1. I’m sorry that it’s hard to have goals, individual or collective. I really struggle with knowing what I want to do with my life beyond recovery; what I want to do as a job, or study, or as hobbies. It just feels like too much on top of managing my system. It often feels like I can’t win when it comes to making everyone feel like they’re important and listened to. All I can do is just try and be kind to myself and remember how far I’ve come. A year ago I didn’t even know that I had parts.

    You’re doing a great job by being introspective and trying to figure things out. That is an incredibly difficult task. But you’re doing it. 🙂

    I try and think about how all my parts are just trying to remain safe. But we have different ways of trying to achieve that goal. Some parts think we can achieve safety by being quiet and flying under the radar, some parts want so badly to speak out and be heard, some parts want me to just “obey” old rules, some parts want to break out and live our own life. The whole point of the dissociation was because we had to hold irreconcilable things in mind at the same time. So it makes sense that it would be really hard to bring all of that together into one whole.

    We’re doing so well compared to our parents. And that’s something beautiful.

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    • I didn’t know i had them either a year ago. I knew starting uni i would be triggered but i thought i could go a couple of times talk about the girl and then be sweet. I’m sure my mum has Did or she taught me to dissociate.

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  2. Thanks. I think someone took over that last bit. It’s the part that takes things to the t to get done. She said i knew what i wanted. But the part that was in was the confused scared one who doesn’t know how to speak up about what they want. I’ve Totaly screwed up with t. Ugh i hate this. just wish i had full control of myself. Oh you say how they are trying to stay safe. I suppose because the t is getting close and asking goals somebody was scared and didn’t feel safe either. Hmmm. So much going on. And i missed my first week of lectures cos one twin was sick.

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