I’m so fuckn Angry right now i could fuckn kill. Myself preferably but I’m getting closer to the edge of complete fuckn destruction. The walls are caving in and the secrets are coming up that aren’t too be revealed but its happening. It’s fuckn happening and it’ll be all over because she will be gone. and I’m thinking of quitting t because it’s too much and she doesn’t understand how deep this shit goes or how to help me or that I’ll be dead by my birthday and she’s going away again anyway. She might be able to help host but i don’t know nothings happened so far. So fuckn angry that actually we have nobody. Nobody to explain any of this crap. Why i feel the way i do why they feel the way they do. It’s confusing and the more i know the more i would rather just be dead.
Oh my god what is she thinking. She has been in crisis for effing weeks and shes saying shes fine. Fffffffffs I am so sick of this. I been getting cut. I having memories flashbacks things are being revealed and my body is really feeling it. she was there to talk about the pain and the foster care but was blocked. I dont know what to do anymre. I know they had a fun weekend and that but not all of us did. I know she does it to numb. She was pissed too at the end of session. Was going to say again how shes told her ‘ plenty o times that nobody can keep anyone safe here and we wouldnt tell her if we going to kill ourselves. She doesnt know its not host. Like I dont know if she knows it not her. It confuses me because I’m don’t know who she talking to when she says you. how hilarious lol. God anyway she really can’t do anything because its not host who would eat the pills so what can they do lol. It wasnt me who drunk but bailey. How did she know bailey had fun anyway. Did someone nark. Oh my hours I think.I’ve switched a few times lol. Shit. Fml. Kill me now. Seriousness. Owwwwww my head. She didnt even get to talk to.me o about husband. it sux too much to talk about
Woohoo been a Ok weekend. Went to respite for a break. This is planned by the way. Which is just weird to be honest cos like i wasn’t in crisis. I know some of us have been but I’m fine. Anyway brooke really didn’t want to be there and she was sitting there crying before dinner so i said if she was to sad or scared maybe we could go home if it was that bad. I was bored but anyway we ended up having dinner and this chick who was quite uppity looking but Pretty came in as i was leaving. I ended up going and sitting back down cos everybody else was ancient or scary. So we got chatting and everybody had left the room and she was like why are you here. Brooke said she didn’t want to be here and was crying before dinner and bitch was like i just wanna run away! ! As soon as the girl heard that she asked if we wanted cider and if we wanted to go out boom Bailey was out. Hell Yes I’m putting my make up on and we outta here. She had a car. Then she was like here have a ritalin. Brooke was like no but i was hell Yes. .. tramadol valium codeienes and more ritalin. She had the pills i had the weed and so off we went. We were like oh my god we could so kill ourselves right now and so on they are so thick Hahahaha it was great. We went to a bar. Scored some free champagne. Talked shit. Found a mean cell phone on the bar and hoped the owner came back to get it for another free drink but no luck. Brooke handed it in before we left. Went to my mates ate some weed cookies and smoked some weed. Snorted more ritalin. Had a laugh or 2. I So wanted to go out and find some old guys to fuck. apparently to brooke I’m so so sick but we had to go back to respite by 11. Got back there smoked some more weed had some sleeping pills and didn’t really care if we woke up or not. She said we’d be fine. She’s swallowed more pills combined than what we had for fun. Thank god t didn’t listen to brooke being such a pussy. If she had we wouldn’t have been able to go out and have fun. Bailey