I don’t know what the fuck the title has anything to do with what i want to write but it might be triggering to some. I won’t graphically detail stuff. I’m not sure what to do with how i feel. Having absolutely nobody to talk to who understands what I’m going through is harder than anything else. Suffering alone sux. I just wish to run away and be free from all the problems and feelings and emotions that come with being sexually hurt as a child. I don’t even admit that i can’t even physically say those words. How do you contain trauma in one space without it affecting the rest of your life. I wish i could do the trauma thing with t and then leave it at the door til the following week. But no. The worst times are between times and you have such a bad time trying to process with nobody that by the time next week comes around there’s too too much and this keeps building and building week after week after week and it just feels too much to keep it all contained safely and sanely. I just want to stop it all. Or get it all the fuck out. Wish my brain wasn’t so hard wired to remember the Bad shit. I hope t can help me i really do because I’ve never trusted anybody like that before and I am scared she will say she can’t help me because I’m either too negative or to fucked up.
But she doesn’t help me alot she just ignores me and it hurts so why do you want to keep going back to that.
And then the District health board want me to change t. Like what the fuck the whole thing was about getting extra support not just fuckn swapping it. It’s taken me a year to get even close to talking to t and what if the other lot just want to treat around my different parts that hold the bad shit instead of talking about the bad shit. They want to teach me all the mind fullness mbt shit. They don’t have anyone dealing with dissociating shit either. I would just rather not have been fucked and hurt as a kid so then i wouldn’t have to put up with what it did to me now. I Wish i could really write what i feel… But i just feel blocked from all the pain and emotions i have been enduring that i can’t express. I think I’ve numbed too much with drugs and alcohol there are no words that i can find descriptive enough.