Monthly Archives: August 2015

Scared

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I’m scared i got nobody to talk to.  T doesn’t answer me anymore.  She must think I’m lying.  People hate liars.  I know they do.  But im not lying. I had another bad memory last night.  To do with 4. I’m sure it was 4. I had one of my arms above my head in bed nearly asleep when the husband grabbed my wrist.  Just to hold it but flash in my head of big man putting it up there with my wrists being held above my head.  I scared i was really scared but realised i was here. I still scared I’m actually a very scared person and is not normal.  In my real life where the people who know the host they would say she’s strong she’s tough she don’t put up with shit.  She is kind and caring.  She helps others.  She cares for others but won’t take no shit. They have no idea how many people have hurt me for her to be like that.  And really she isn’t strong she isn’t tough she don’t stand up… that’s Bi*ch. She isn’t nice she isn’t caring.  That’s me.  She doesn’t help others that’s broken jeez she doesn’t do anything about this shit. It’s making me very upset.  I try get to help and nobody listens.  Nobody effing listens.  What does it take for some one to realise she is not well. Do i have to hurt myself or someone else in this body.  I already being hurt.  See nobody in our real life would believe this is us. This is her we are her.  She is us.  Nobody gets it nobody wants to help me. No matter how hard I try.
Only online friends know im here.  I might as well stop bothering or just get in with what she wants and that’s nobody to be here. 
Brooke 7
And before i forget to that i know where the shh shh shh comes from cos of the screaming

Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse: It’s Time To Speak Up

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Surviving

Steph Mignon

Horizonhawaii

When I was 22-years old, I came out of hiding. I stepped out of the darkness of the sexual abuse victim’s closet, and into the light.  I can’t say I haven’t looked back, because with something like childhood sexual abuse it’s impossible not to, but I can say my future has been a lot brighter because of my willingness to tell the truth.

With people like Josh Duggar and Jared from Subway in the news recently, the newest string of celebrity sexual predators, I’ve decided there’s no better time than the present to keep telling my story. With a 16-month old daughter, and possibly another baby on the way, the times is NOW. There are other people like me who need my strength. There are other people like me, and, frankly, I need their strength too.

I remember the night I first told someone. It was my best friend. We…

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Narks

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I hate narks.  Fuckn hate them.  Liars to.  And she just told t way too much lies the fckn Bit*h. Oh fuck well not lies but why the fuck. Oh crap they’re not lies but why did she have to send anything.  I thought i had banned everyone from sending emails.  Shit Oh man they Guna pay for setting me up on this one! Infuriated with the little shit. Man she is so dramatic and crap is so shit.  I gotta go through and delete all the ones I’ve sent. Shit god i need to get off my face! ! Man The fuckn body is feeling it through this shit. It’s horrible and the little shit gives us headaches and 4 well  ahhhhyeah 4 fuck seriously Oh my god i gotta remember that 5% rule or does 4  Need to remember it. Geez every time i write 4 i get pain and stuff i ain’t saying.  Fark..  death looks so good right now! !! 

Shitty

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I Don’t know how much more i can take of this crap.  Fuckn dissociation.  Headaches.  Sh. Others taking control.  No memory.  Then memories of things that aren’t speakable or believable. How the fuck anybody in their right mind could live after the memory right there.  Ugh im gonna vomit constantly.  I have pain down there and everything is hyper in my head my body.  Like a live wire with all these connections synapsing then breaking at the same time but Givin her a glimpse of the pain. She has these moments of clarity that make sense about why we do things feel this why and then denial denial denial. That could never happen.  But logically we know these things do happen but she can’t believe it cos its too crazy.  cos she’s too pussy more like it. Anyway i can’t really speak of these memories here is all too revealing.  Too overwhelming.  All she wants to do is kill herself. 

Pen n paper

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My biggest fear this last few weeks is putting pen to paper.  What comes out and what happens can be quite scary.  And then it means is real.  That what they write is real.  Jesus my head hurts.  Hurts so much.  I hope that stops as there won’t be anything to fight over.  So I’m real scared to write because of the huge difference in handwriting and things they say like oh I’m just scared.  I don’t want to know and have on paper what they know.  I just want to stay high or drunk all the time to get through this.  I switch enough without having them writing.  I don’t like it when they take control.  I Don’t and i notice more now.  I Don’t like it.  It’s so tiring and the headaches.  Apparently it’s them pushing too hard to front.  So that’s why it hurts more.  I think conciousness is coming between more parts.  Remembering things together.  It’s so weird.  The skull hurts and i just wanna shake it like a fukn baby sometimes.  Get all the bad shit out

Semesters out

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Yay 2 week break and if all is well 22hrs a week child free. Hell Yeah!   Well the others have been enjoying time with them alot and telling them we love them alot. Alot. We have to be here to protect them in life be good to them treat them right and i don’t want them to be traumatised by me. Today i cried in front of them.  Really cried and i never do. Oh well.  Just really wanted to talk to somebody who understands.  I’m sad the decision was taken away from me.  She’s just such a drama Queen.  Can’t handle anything.  Can’t do goals can’t do shit.  Can’t handle emotions Just dissociated all day from everything.  So now won’t go.  But i must say stress level for her has gone down.  Considerably.  So we’ll just go with that for now.