Fuckn over everything. Wish i could just die and maybe wake up different. Or just not wake up at all. I can’t even talk to t cos of fuckn ethics and the law. Can’t mention those feelings even though it’s like never stop with those feelings. I was Guna say it i was angry and i was like i just wanna fukn k… myself and then stopped myself dead in my tracks. I know if i say too much i cab get chucked in hospital. Some could If they wanted cos i sound so fuckn insane. Totally got parts that are suicidal and shit ugh im too tired to explain anymore I’m so fuckn over it that’s all. Life. Everything.
I’m really struggling right now. I have no outlet. I don’t know wheter is safe anymore to blog or not. I don’t want it to be used against me. But emotionally i haven’t let anything out in a long time and shit is getting real right now. The time of the month and year right now is a huge fuck off trigger and i hope i survive the end of the month cos i haven’t been able to tall about it.
I’m so fuckn dissociated but i can’t let anyone know. So much bad stuff had been happening the last few months. I’m still in an emotional psychological sexually abusive marriage. Still being controlled even though i left. Professionals are involved and its hard. It sux but….. i forgot where i was going with this I’m so emotional
My god this has got to be the worst time of my life but I’m so focused and ain’t guna back down. I’m sick of being treated like shit. I’m guna give him a piece of his attitude back. I haven’t posted because it’s unsafe to post what I’m going through right now. Hope all my friends here are ok. Hugs
Screw fathers day. Hate having to say happy fathers day. Hate having to do it for him as what he wants for fathers day too. He’s not my father.
I bet she thinks i don’t feel this bad. That I’m doing it for attention. She probably thinks I’m doing it for attention. It’s so not fair. Spose if we die we die nobody cares. I just tell her how i feel or whoever feels how they feel at the time. It’s like i don’t know how i should feel. I just have these things that just torture me and others who come out constantly and it’s not fair. I do think about suicide alot alot. We all have our own reasons. But oh yeah just before i was putting the kids down and i was like oh why would she say I’m at risk im not suicidal im not even depressed but now I’m like ohhhh that was somebody else. Cos I’m like trying to make the best plans.
I’m so fuckn Angry right now i could fuckn kill. Myself preferably but I’m getting closer to the edge of complete fuckn destruction. The walls are caving in and the secrets are coming up that aren’t too be revealed but its happening. It’s fuckn happening and it’ll be all over because she will be gone. and I’m thinking of quitting t because it’s too much and she doesn’t understand how deep this shit goes or how to help me or that I’ll be dead by my birthday and she’s going away again anyway. She might be able to help host but i don’t know nothings happened so far. So fuckn angry that actually we have nobody. Nobody to explain any of this crap. Why i feel the way i do why they feel the way they do. It’s confusing and the more i know the more i would rather just be dead.