1 may

Standard

Just total dread.  Why,  traumatic shit triggering us at every corner.  Too much too bear for one human to have all these others cramming in the head. 
I don’t know why the date is significant  it feels to some really young parts, and burning I burnt myself, I never do that.  Who does that then?
Cos we have burn marks on the shell. Sometimes  there must be some that feel pain and some that don’t.  I mean cmon you got to feel pain. Where is it. 
I remember dissociation very young now all too well maybe it’s locked up in there.  Why the fuck would someone teach you that.  Did someone teach me that. If feels like it.  Thank god for me though going to the exam, eh?  Yes even though we helped to. But the date I don’t know.  Anyway,  it made me remember the fire and the screaming and banging and beatings well pushing shoving open palm hits not really beatings. I just want to die.  I want the memories and the pain and all of the ones that hold bad shit to die.  Ooops my vision went fuzzy for a second there. And this morning I let you go to the exam because that’s what you said you were here for so I trusted you to do it.  You made  me burst into tears for no reason that I’m aware of and that’s when you said you were going and that’s why you were here, I said OK and you stopped the tears. If I hadn’t of listened you probably wouldn’t have turned off the waterworks would you and the body would have been sitting there confused for a long time. You’re a bit manipulating with your tears. Anyway I want to burn the body more. and who can we talk to about suicide. Safely. Without being locked the fuck up. 

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2 responses »

  1. Yeah I wrote a blog post about my struggles with suicide and how the threat of being locked up is NOT helpful. I think it’s our society’s way of not wanting to really be bothered into giving real help. If you need to talk, suicide is something I’ve struggled with for decades. Maybe I could help.

    As for the pain, ‘not feeling pain’ is part of how d.i.d. ‘works.’ My wife (the host) is NOT connected to the body and it’s sensations nearly as much as the other girls. She doesn’t feel pain nor pleasure like the others do. That’s part of how d.i.d. breaks apart a person’s traits and abilities and scatters bits and pieces of those traits and abilities among the various people within the network. I don’t think they understand that yet. I keep trying to explain it to them, but it’s hard for them to understand what they have never experienced. Anyway, you aren’t weird for not feeling things. Someday when you get connected better to the others they will help you experience things and you will help them. As I tell my girls: “You all need each other.”

    Sam

    Like

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