Dr at uni today was nice.  I was really stressed.  Highly suicidal but in the same day not, if you know what I mean. Too much going on. Actually brooke also got her easy results back today to.  Plus other triggering shit throughout the whole system. Horrible,  just horrible.  We also had to apply for late submission for the next essay. I mean fuck.  I been living alone in my head with all these fucks making me go crazy how am I suppose to write an essay. I’m fuckn dumb, and Brooke is out. Fuckn lost it that girl.  Jesus. Control thought they had some when they clearly don’t.  Ha.
Lectures are about child sexual abuse and YOUTH offenders.  Huge system trigger. I mean Christ it’s one after the other.  Foster care, bailey  oh man I don’t know the other triggers.  Fuck.ummmm  ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is what I mean.  What was this person conveying. 1st may trigger. ? ?  Don’t wanna know.  Embarrassing  co X the girl got out and wrote shit. Fuck.
We are sweet with t away. It’s actually good to have a break cos it feels like a lot of pressure  when I go there. I know that’s from brooke now and why but ahh I think she’s a little hurt from what I feel at the moment.  Time and time again retraumatised. Asked if she was sick of this.  Another system trigger. brooke first then all the rest. We don’t like fucking going anyway so we sweet with not goinggoing and of course they don’t fuckn like living like this. How could you even ask a question like that.thanks for triggering the suicidal switch. If we like it andthen the following week we don’tdon’t want to go anymore then maybe we wont. She also didnt listentootherrequestsrequests like givingustheanswers in writing.why do we have to fuckn talkabout everything. I hate talking.ugh. pills today.  Not that we need pills. There’s plenty of ways to die.  Ummmmm   lectures are another trigger at the moment. 
Nobody listening to brooke. I don’t think she’ll talk for a while.  T has never answer her question.  She must think we deserve it.  Ummmmm also another trigger  or  realization. ? Maybe.  OK if you remember  being above yourself at 4ish in the hallway does that mean your memory has already been split. Or is that your personality, is that when your personality is born.  When you dissociate?   I dint give a fuck if no 1 answers these questions as long as write while we think. 
As long as it gets out.  Our husband knows we are sad. Suicidal even.  I don’t think anybody thinks I’ll do it.  It’s pretty scary cos the whole system and programme feels like its crashing down and it’s the only thing to do.  Pull the plug. Cut the power.  We think about how we a shit mum. We said that to the Dr.  He said a shit mum is better than no mum. I agree in some respects.but when I am in the pit of hell thoughts there are only  my parts that help me.  Nobody would understand.  How could you.  Why would you want to.  She also triggers the system.  Everything is against us. She talked to a friend on the phone tonight and that friend said she was a good friend and thanks for listening and caring. Triggered brooke deeply as she has never had anybody to confide in and today she lost that too, something she’s never had anyway.  Christ  it was her fault and she got stroppy.  Anyway the Dr.  Back to the Dr.  We said CPTSD as we can’t tell the symptoms  (ooh someone else showed themselves today to? )  cos it’s hard to describe how we feel.  We said we have lots of headaches. He meditated with us for like 15 mind.  It did help.  3 places were distinctly hurting at random intervals, and now I’m getting the same thing confirming this.  Wow. Cool. Anyway he meditated and gave me a ladies number. He knows that I feel like dying. Oh just being able to say it.  Geez. Why can’t we say it to her.  Just being able to say it aloud felt good.  I’m just so at the end of my tether.  It felt good saying it. Acknowledging it but moving on clearing my head.  Sort of put them to sleep in the Dr’s office. Some found it hard to relax with eyes shut in room with scary old man we don’t know but we finally did a little bit.   Then had to go to school of law and figure out how much to disclose. I forgot to put a cousin and an uncle have also died in the last week. Sigh.  I forget everything.  Anyway is tiring switching lots being triggered everyday. Also that memory today to about daycare and first split and stuff. I can ask eye man.  We should never email t again. Just talk in session.  Or is it all a waste of time.

4 responses »

  1. Hi Luverley,

    I’m sorry it took me a couple of weeks to find this post. I think you’ve been on my blog; I’m sorry I haven’t been as good about reciprocating lately: I keep getting burned which makes me hesitate.

    Anyway, I hope you are doing better than when you wrote this, but it always makes me wonder when I see ladies mention having a husband, if the husband is part of the healing process or would be willing to be. My wife and I are on the journey together…as much as she allows. And so I can help in ways that no one else can and it also helps me feel less ‘helpless’ since my actions can directly affect her progress as well as I see the problems as ‘ours’ instead of ‘hers.’

    I don’t know…I seem unable to engage husbands as I had hoped with my blog. But I’m throwing it out to you. I’d be happy to try to help him, if he’d have any interest. I have NO desire for my wife to stay broken for the rest of our marriage: it’s already claimed most of her life and all of our marriage. And so to me, I have a vested interest in doing all that I can to help her and us heal so that we can salvage what we can and stop the pain for both of us.

    Take care and you may not believe me, but I do understand this post as much as anyone on the outside can. I don’t know if that makes a difference to you; I’m sorry you feel alone.



    • Hi. I just read my post again. Showed me where I’ve been lol. I told him finally that the parts wanted me to kill myself and I ended up in respite after this. I wish he understood, we haven’t talked again. None of them want to come out to him. We wish we could. Sad you get burned. Thanks I will keep reading yours and one day he might believe me


      • Just remember that my blog covers the last 5 years. I began ‘courting’ the insiders to join me, my life, our family 7 years ago. And that slowly happened over the last 7 years. First 2 joined me. Then another. Then another 2. Then another one that consumed the last 3 years. And my last post if you read it has brought another to my life. And I’ve changed a lot over this course of this journey, too. I am NOT the same man I was when we first started. I was NOT especially safe for my wife, but somehow I was always safe for the girls, probably because I viewed them differently. Anyway, the point is don’t expect your husband to be what I am today. It was a process for me and her; for all of us. She was terrified of the other girls at first and now I think she has come to appreciate them…and certainly I’ve seen a huge difference in the many, many positive things the others have brought to my wife and our marriage once I got them thru the “healing of the trauma” process. Now we are in the ‘connecting to each other’ process.

        If I can ever help you or your husband, I’d be happy to help. I hate to see people struggling alone. It’s not that we’ve got it easy, but we are doing it together and that seems to help…some…:)


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